Sexy Time: Make the distinction between kinky and abusive

From all the high fives and complements I get, It’s no secret that there are some horny college students that love reading my rants on sexuality. But according to Lee County Library, you all are pretty kinky, too.
When “Fifty Shades of Grey” topped the charts as a best-selling novel in 2011, Lee County Library bought 135 copies, which have been checked out a whopping total of 1,642 times. For everything that “Fifty Shades of Grey” is (horribly written, and dirty enough to make even Lindsay Lohan blush), it raises the interesting topic of BDSM. Young women are taught since the first time they wore heels to the eighth grade dance that pain is beauty, but when pain is considered sexy, how do you know when the tantalizing stops and the throbbing begins?
“There is a difference between kinky, which is fun and experimenting, and controlling,” Ginger Cyan Allen said.
Kinky can be incredibly hot. Your partner picks you up from work, blindfolds you and drives you to the beach at night. Controlling, such as picking you up from work and giving you another cell phone so they will always know where you are, is not hot. One of the reasons “Fifty Shades of Grey” disturbs me on multiple levels is the fact that it not only makes abusive relationships acceptable but also makes them seem romantic.
When I spoke to several women who have read the series, my own mother included, they all said their favorite part was when he realized he was in love with her. The thought seems to be, “My boyfriend doesn’t let me eat because we’re soul mates, so starving is okay!”
Here’s a secret, ladies: If a guy doesn’t let you eat, he’s not attractive. He’s an asshole. He’s not going to marry you, and he’s not going to make you feel complete and valued because you don’t even value yourself. I’m being rather harsh here, but that’s not even the main issue with “Fifty Shades of Grey.”
My problem is that it makes kinky people look crazy. Our culture is negative around anything involving genitalia – forget about stepping it up and going into ice cubes and handcuffs. Let’s just add another book that degrades our sexuality and our natural curiosities, so that conservatives have another excuse to accuse us of destroying the sanctity of love and relationships. Pile that shame right on me.
Dan Savage, a sex columnist, once said that in relationships we have to be whores for each other. Savage doesn’t mean literally charge your partner money, but he means if we expect one person to be our everything, they have to be up for anything. In order to be up for anything, you have to look at the truth at what kink really is. There are several myths around kink, but none of them are actually true.
Myth: Kinky people are insane and have psychological problems due to abuse, and bad sexual experiences.
In a 2007 study by sexologist Dr. Juliet Richters, she found that sadomasochism is purely a sexual interest and has not been connected with a past history of abuse or difficulty surrounding sex. If you date a kinky person, you’re not going to be carried off into the woods screaming at 3 a.m., unless of course, you want to be. Sure, this person may collect samurai swords, but so may your roommate or your Sunday school teacher. They don’t want a pie slammed in their face by a chick in a clown costume every single day. It’s just a fun activity you try once in a while when you’re feeling adventurous, like parasailing or entering a wet T-shirt contest. A history of abuse can affect any individual’s sex life, but S and M has been proven to release the stress and anxiety the victim feels regarding sexuality. For example, a masochist person may feel safe and protected by a strong controlling type. They receive pleasure by their dominant’s approval. While on the other hand, a sadist person may feel powerful and in control of their body and derive pleasure by having the masochist wrapped around their fingers.
Myth: Kinky people will hurt you and are incapable of love.
Sexologist Havelock Elis found in his research that sadomasochism is only concerned regarding pain as a form of sexual pleasure, not as a form of cruelty. Sadomasochism is not an excuse to toss your partner down a flight of stairs because they play too many video games. Sadomasochism is a way to express love through pain and mutual trust and pleasure that derives from it. Telling another person your fantasies brings you closer together. Planning and being vulnerable enough to act upon something is not only courageous, but the emotional equivalent of holding hands on the edge of a cliff and daring to let go, daring to love.
So how does one go about exploring their kinks?
Firstly, you should ask yourself some questions:
Does it feel good? You know what I mean. Do you really want to be burnt with that cigarette lighter or are you like the chick from “Fifty Shades of Grey” and hope that it will kindle your twin flame?
Do I know you? Don’t place an ad on Craigslist. Don’t bring it up on a first date either. If you are already in a relationship, test the waters a little bit. You should be able to trust your partner to do twisted things with you, but if you can’t or if your partner won’t give it the good ol’ fashioned college try, then maybe you’re not compatible at all.
Wear that corset in your closet. Paint your nails red. Talk about sex with your friends. Also, hang out with other kinky people. From the amount of library checkouts, it’s clear we walk among you.