When there’s a new person of interest in your life, you’re excited about how funny and sweet they are, but deep down, you can’t stop thinking about what their shirt would look like on your floor. Asking yourself whether or not to have sex for the first time with a partner sounds a little bit like “American Pie,” but there’s nothing childish about questioning whether you are ready to go all the way.
In fact, many people ask themselves the same question. Like learning to drive a car, sex for the first time can be a little intimidating. After all, you probably had to take a class to learn about the serious consequences. The moment you get behind the wheel, you’re terrified and excited. You adjust yourself accordingly, getting a feel for the shift as your partner sits in the passenger side, patiently waiting, gently assuring you it’s okay to make a right on red. We all have different ways of shifting lanes, but how do you know when to take your relationship to the next level? And more importantly, if you move too soon, will your relationship crash?
“I think sex too soon can set up false ideas of the relationship for the future because if the communication is not clear enough, someone could get hurt because they have certain expectations of what the sex is supposed to do for the relationship,” said Diana Ahmed, a political science major. “My guy friends have basically told me that if you want to be friends with a guy don’t sleep with him ever and if you want a relationship you shouldn’t sleep with him right away or he’ll lose interest in you as a person,” one FGCU student said.
It’s no secret that jumping into bed with a guy after meeting him at a party three hours prior probably won’t lead to a relationship, and sleeping with your roommate after too much tequila will lead to an awkward call to U-haul. Sex can distort your judgment, including making you crave a person you don’t even like. Sex releases an intense bonding hormone, oxytocin, higher in women than in men. For women, sex has an emotional and psychological response, whereas for men, it’s a physical activity that makes them want a sandwich and a nap. I’m not saying guys don’t have feelings, but like Nancy Drew and “The Secret of the Old Clock,” it takes time and investigation to solve the mystery. Ahmed says she has sex when she is in a committed relationship with someone. Other college women wait until they know they are the only one their partner is with. “Know” is the key word here, not hoping, wishing and praying. If you feel uncomfortable talking about sex with your partner, or what the act will do to your relationship, you probably shouldn’t be lying next to them.
Many books and magazines talk about “the rules,” “what women want” or “how to hook a guy.”
“Three dates, and he’s going to kick you to the curb,” Chase Pittman said. “Actually, the third date rule is such a myth. If a guy really likes you he won’t care.” There’s no set standard guidelines regarding when you sleep with someone, but it’s good to make some for yourself according to your values. “I thought the rules were stupid, so I slept with my current boyfriend on our first date,” Typaldos said. “We’ve been together four months.” Although I am against game playing, there is a certain validity to women guarding their goal.
However, a woman’s desire to postpone sex is not about manipulation or slut shaming. Women really let loose when they feel safe. If a woman knows she can trust you, whether it be from quality time spent together, a simple text message good morning, or a hand on the small of her back, she’ll be yours in a matter of time. Men also secretly love waiting. Firstly, it shows them you’re different from that barefoot chick they met at a gas station, and secondly, it is incredibly thrilling. Imagine if Leo DiCaprio just threw his charcoal on the ground and had sex with Kate Winslet. No one would ever watch “Titanic.”
The next time you’re with a partner, try kissing with your hands behind your back. The first person to touch the other loses. In the end, the driver’s seat is very intuitive. You go when you’re ready.